My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*