My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken