The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.