@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

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@RickAaron

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

@IHideFromMyKids

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

@FredTaming

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

@Sultani_Sails

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

@ilovepie84

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.