My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.


My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.


inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them


Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”


My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.


*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok


One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.