My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Got him!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?