My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
blocked.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Facebook memories be like
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.