My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.