My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony