My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
i really liked this one
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”