My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud