My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
RT if you could go either way.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?