my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
You Might Also Like
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Heroic Misunderstanding
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
23. the denim jacket
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent