Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

oh my god

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.