My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)