My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*checks Timeline*…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors