My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You Might Also Like
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
buying dead houseplants to save time
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”