My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
the prophecies have been fulfilled