My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.