My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.