My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.