Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Did my cat write this

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.