My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Y’all ready for this
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.