My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Geez man, take it easy.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.