My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”




A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.


The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.


I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.


No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then


I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.


Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.


I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.


I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.