My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

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ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.


I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.


[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale


Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.


I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.


When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.


[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself


What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?