@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

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@JimmerThatisAll

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@daveexplosm

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@EliBraden

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

@LindaInDisguise

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

@QwertyJones3

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

@PuddingBoobs

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

@dreadnaught420

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.