@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

@AsgardianRose

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

@sofarrsogud

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

@JPHaddadio

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

@fowlerism

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

@HomeProbably

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.