My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Need WebMD
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.