My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.