My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.