My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin