My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.