My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.