My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.