My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“I’m helping” 😅
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Steam Forums
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.