My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN