My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
welp
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”