My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
you have three unread messages
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.