my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door