@robdelaney
@Tobi_Is_Fab my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
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@Tobi_Is_Fab 
@candlelit_moth You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
@ObscureGent I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
@EndhooS *stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
@UncleDuke1969 [walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
@funflaps Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
@Smooheed All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
@qwertygirl The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
@panmidwest [date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door