my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested