@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

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@Tobi_Is_Fab

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

@candlelit_moth

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@ObscureGent

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

@EndhooS

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

@UncleDuke1969

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

@funflaps

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door