@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

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@visionbored2

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

@brettminor

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@ericsshadow

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

@KattsDogma

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

@iamburtjarvis

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

@GrantTanaka

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions