my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming