My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.