Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

By Kate Hatos

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Beware of fowl play.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Meme Monday.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.