My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.