My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”