My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You Might Also Like
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it