My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk