My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.