My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth