MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*