My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.