My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck