My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Donating blood today to make room for more food
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”