My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage