My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.


There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.


If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.


Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.


Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent


Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.


I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game