@RodLacroix

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

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@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@champagngetaway

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@karlykingsley

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

@Try2StopME

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

@CrockettForReal

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game