[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink