My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes


The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age


[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.


Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.


Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.


i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha