My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You Might Also Like
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”