My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.