@amishschool

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

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@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

@ParentNormal

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

@JustBeingEmma

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

@Cornjerker78

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

@UnFitz

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”