My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.