My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You Might Also Like
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”