My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop